One Month A Mom; So Far, So Amazing..
I've always known that one day I'll be a Mom. When I make a list of my goals and draw a picture of my future self, motherhood has always featured.
It's not because I believe it's my "God ordained duty" to proecreate as some people might assume, for me it's a knowledge I have of myself on some deeper level, I am meant to mother, to build and to nurture.
But knowing who you're meant to be doesn't always come with knowing how to be that person.
When I gave birth to my daughter, I looked at her in awe. That moment was the most amazing moment of my life. I still can't completely put what I felt into words. It was surreal.
I still look at her in wonder; a brand new human; fully dependent on me for everything. A blank slate. I get to watch her learn how to focus her eyes, use her limbs, teach her to eat, sleep and wake on schedule. It's amazing how much babies don't know and it's been a lesson in humility and patience.
It's also been a largely scary experience.
How much of me am I consciously and subconsciously passing on to this brand new person? What are the cues she's picking from me? How will her personality, her identity, her sense of self, be impacted by mine and the lessons she picks from me?
How do I teach kindness, empathy, faith, resilience, emotional intelligence, hard work and diligence when I find myself having to relearn some of these myself?
I look at my daughter's trusting face and feel the tiny little hands she places confidently on my chest as she nurses and I wonder; am I strong enough to protect this beautiful girl from the bumps and hurdles of this world?
Will I be able to shield her from the darkness that being a human in this present world sometimes brings?
I don't have all the answers but what I do have is faith and determination to do my damnedest.
I'll make mistakes, but I'll learn, unlearn and relearn. As she's growing, I'll be growing too.
Will I be a good Mom? No.
I'll be the best Mom I can be. So help me God.